Cygnata

Dinner Experiment Gone Well

2009-07-20T04:00:13Z

Had a craving for kielbasa, and had promised to eat the leftover chop suey.

1 serving rice
2 servings chop suey
1/2 beef polska kielbasa, cut into one inch chunks

Did the rice and chop suey as normal, fried up the kielbasa and added it to the top. Nummy. :9 For those who like the spiciness of kielbasa to shine through, some hot sauce probably would go well. :9

Might put up my cookie recipes soon, been pondering it. And yes, my quadruple chocolate will be among them. *Don't* expect to ever see the pancake recipe, though, *that* is a family secret, not mine. ;)

Happy Valentine's Day! :D

2009-02-14T05:38:39Z

Soooo adorable. :D

Important Notice

2009-02-03T03:55:10Z

If you see a Cygnata on the Mac forums or on any MMO except CoH, this person is not me. So far, they appear only to have liked the name, and do not seem to be infringing on my copyright. (Cygnata, Dreamers, etc are under paid copyright in relation to my unpublished novel.) Unless they do actively try to pretend to be me, or they try to infringe on my creative properties, I am not pursuing the matter legally at this time. Please do NOT harrass this person. Thank you.

No wonder I couldn't sleep

2008-12-30T02:45:42Z

Woke up feeling sick as hell a few hours after I finally did sleep. *sigh* My immune system hates me...

For you newcomers, here's the deal.

2008-12-29T12:31:17Z

Yes, this pretty much the best way short of, y'know, actually talking to me, to get updates on my life. I doubt many of you from high school are going to bother clicking on the link leading you here, but for the curious, a couple notes.

* This LJ has been around since 2001. Not everything here is all hunky-dory, sunshine and roses. In fact, this place can get downright angsty. But hey, it's my place to bitch and vent and be all creative and shite. Though I *really* wouldn't suggest trying to read the archives unless you *really* wanna get an earful about the drama from oh, about 5 or 6 years back.

*Any "regulars" who decide they want to "enlighten" said curious readers will be in deep shit. I'm sure as HELL no angel. But stirring up dead and buried drama? That's asinine and infantile behavior.

* I try to update this place when I remember. Probably will be more likely for a while, since I've got the spare time for a few more months. Remember, I'm always a LOT easier to reach via IM. </hint>

Look, this isn't some journal or blog with lofty ideals or one that's trying to make a difference. It's a place for me to just sit down and vent. My personal diary, open to the public. If you really want to take a peek, it's an open book. The really private stuff is behind lock and key where it should be, but for the most part, I haven't much to hide.

I'm just trying to plod along my own path. Sure, it's longer than what most people would choose, and the pace is slower, but the destination'll be there just the same.

Sweet dreams, everyone.

... Fuggoff, ya blasted alarm. >.<

Can't sleeeeeeeeep

2008-12-29T12:05:59Z

Ugh. I know I'm gonna be half-dead tomorrow, but I just can't sleep. I have presents to ship later, a couple of things to finish up for Wrapping Presents (charity I help out with), a half-shift at work in about 10 hours... UGH.

Must sleeeeeeeeeep. -.-

I meant to post this, and kept procrastinating. Don't wanna admit to myself that it's real.

2008-12-29T04:27:35Z

Belated RIP Meglimir... I'll miss you, Robin. :(

... Yeah, I'm a lazy, lazy bum.

2008-12-29T04:01:38Z

What else is new? :P Just a quick update.

On a Temple waiting list, out of Bucks, working for Staples. STILL at CVS (-.-), joined the SCA (Barony of Carillion), joined the Lucerne Musketeers, still on all my IRC channels, still dating Ryan (3 years!), working for a new Internet radio station (with the Cape's blessing) at callahans.seanmcpherson.com:11000, looking forward to next year's reunion, still relatively healthy, still spending FAR too much on my new computer, and still living at home.

... Whew. Anything I missed? :P

I liiiiiive!

2008-10-10T06:57:12Z

Wow, 81 weeks. I think that's a new procrastination record for me. >.> Update to come in zee morning.

Addendum to Below

2007-03-17T11:47:06Z

No, I am not "smoking something." Keep such smartass comments to your smartass self. :P ,,|,,

Long delayed update

2007-03-17T11:01:28Z

My GPA's up tp a 2.6, finally, and I've sent in the application to Penn State. Now it's a matter of waiting.

What's been going on? Still with Ryan, getting to hang out with the band more often, and thoughtly enjoying every minute of being with my oldest friends once more.

And... another old friend has come back into my life. He wants to tr being friends again, maybe even best friends again. I've been wanting this for a long time, but I'm scared. I don't want to drive him off again. Trying my hardest to take things slowly.

I'm taking a lot of things slowly these days. I don't need to be hurt or hurt someone else again. Nor do I want to become distant again. I'll try to update more often, but it's easy to forget. Someone's dreaming of me tonight. Someone who loves me. That helps so much, knowing that. Sometimes the numbness will start, then he'll send me a message, or I'll see a reminder, and the numbness fades. It's a wonderful thing, to *feel.*

Playing my slower music as loud as my headphones will allow right now. It's easier to get lost in the music that way. I don't need to do it so often anymore, but it still helps. *chuckle* Julia, John's girlfriend, was surprised when I mentioned that my favorite song by Blue Sky is Bald Lenny, one of the slower, sadeer ones, and that my favorite song ever is simaler.

I don't know how to explain it. I can get lost in those songs the easiest, they ring truest to me. Sometimes, the only way for me to deal with any emotion is to lose myself in a song that calls it up. And the hardest to deal with are the lower emotions. I want to explain it, but... well, not sure I'll ever have the chance. Music is what first drew me to John in the first place, I think. It's definately always been the strongest bond between us. I wish I had the talent to show the images I see when I hear the music, put those emotions on paper. I don't have the words for something so... *visual.*

*chuckle* There I go, rambling again. Life hasn't been perfect, but... it's been livable. I'm stronger now than I've ever been. I'm more free now than I've ever been.

I'm more *alive* than I've ever been. And that's a blessing I hope will only increase.

o/~ When they ask me if I knew you / I'd smile and say you were a friend of mine o/~

I liiiive...

2006-10-21T06:07:09Z

Kinda in pain at the moment, but definately alive.

Just wanted to check in. Taking classes, trying to study calculus, trying to fight off wooziness, all that crapola.

Had my left two wisom teeth out on Thursday morning. They'd gotten infected. Not pretty, and I was in agony beforehand. Now, as I said, I'm just woozy, even though I haven't taken my pain meds in a few hours, cause there's little to no pain left.

Hopefully I'll be better by morning.

Miss hearing from you all.

Edit: Going downstairs while woozy = bad idea. Doing so and being barreled over by an overenthusiastic collie = insult to injury. -.- I'm fine, caught myself on the railing and only earned a few bruises.

cygnata @ 2006-05-16T17:01:00

2006-05-16T21:02:01Z

So... promised update.

Lesse... helped start a computer gaming club at school, am officially maintaining a B average, my go to Penn State after next year, I have a new boyfriend, my friends' band ROCKS... and I can't think coherently enough right now to do anything long and involved. I'll try to post more often.

Just an explanation to those who haven't known me for a while. Yes, I go distant, sometimes. Yes, I'll stop contacting people for a while. I'm not mad, I'm not sulking. Sometimes, it's very hard to not procrastinate, or feel more than "I can always contact them later." Some days, it's hard to care about much at all. My Asperger's was diagnosed a while back, and I've learned to deal with it. But please cut me a little slack. Some days, it's hard to really reach out, though I do love it when people reach out to me.

Sometimes, the first move's gotta be yours. *hugs those who want em*

Ryan, I love you. Hope you read this and realize that.

o/~ God I’m Here / Please don’t let me fall asleep / I am so afraid / Of Giving into fear/ Losing all my faith / Forgetting why I’m here o/~

So busy...

2006-04-26T23:31:20Z

I liiiiiiiiiiiive!

Real post coming later. I promise.

And Blue Sky Invention ROCKS. http://blueskyinvention.com

Good times are here again, dammit! :D

2005-09-27T00:57:35Z

John's home, Dave (http://www.livejournal.com/users/saiyanhedgehog/) and I are together... everything's going *right.* Classes are easier this time around, even if my English prof wants to grade me by grad student standards. Eek. :)

I'm finally back on track, forging ahead, and NOTHING is gonna fucking stop me. Not life, not parents, no one. I'm saving money to pay for classes even if the fianncial aid runs out, and making plans for an apartment.

The plan: 2 years at Bucks. 3 if absolutely nessecary. Transfer to U of Penn. Get the Bachelors of Scidence in Geology. Graduate summa cum laude, while I'm at. The, off to Tuscon for the doctorate!

I've dicked around long enough, waiting to be eligible for financial aid again.

I'm a DJ now, people actually LIKE tuning into my show. I helped organize and took care of 75% of the duties for The Cape's NOLA Benefit Auction. After 2 years on my own, learning who I am, I am in love with a stable man who I have been friends with for years. (We met in college, and no, NOT Northampton.) I have travelled the states, seen things I never thought I would. So much more, so much I still want to do, and I WILL do it, cause I'm a stubborn old BITCH, and PROUD of it. :)

But most of all, after a long, soul wrenching journey... I think I've found Me.

Tonight

2005-09-21T06:01:01Z

So much has changed.. so much still stays the same. Found this in my directory. Wrote it a couple months ago.

Me

Water, warm and comforting,
Brings memories to the fore,
Intermingling with vanilla candles,
Clarity where before there was none.
A thousand thoughts rush through my brain,
Seeking to make their way onto the page.
But in the cold beyond, they fade,
And I must grasp them before they are gone.

My point of view... unique, some have said.
I do not try to be unusual,
I only try to be myself,
Learning to be better in a world
I am sometimes uncertain how to navigate.
So much advice, sometimes warring,
Which must be sifted through, the sources considered.
I live life learning from the mistakes of others,
Awhirl in a dizzying maelstrom of etiquette and opinions.
Yet to my own guns must I also stick,
Knowing in my heart the paths I must take.

For these are the eyes which have seen tragedy,
And this is the heart that has felt joy.
Mine are the hands which have fought to stay alive,
As my body has earned the scars of the hatred,
Of anyone not normal, of those who are different.
This is the mind which has seen forgiveness,
And this is the soul that has resolved to stay strong.

Memories flood back,
Of friends who long ago moved on,
Some who I miss with a wry smile,
Others who haunt my dreams, stealing away my sleep.
They were my family for so long,
My stability, my strength, as I learned to build my own,
Preparing for the day I had to stand alone.
They have their lives, their families, their jobs,
There is no more room for me.
This I accept, with a smile of regret,
As I learn to follow my own way.

I've made new friends,
None so close as those I left behind,
But in some ways, closer.
Still the tagalong, still on the fringe,
I can talk to some few, and know they
At least try to understand.
Still, I must be careful.
I wish no pity, but it is easy
To seem like I do.

But these are the eyes which are open,
That try to see all sides of the world.
And this is the scarred heart,
Which is slowly beginning to heal.
Mine are the hands that try to be helpful,
As my body sometimes longs to protect
Another child from what it has felt.
This is the mind that tries to stay open to the world,
And this is the soul that knows
The emptiness will be filled one day.

I write these words slowly,
Trying to say what I can,
But always mindful of who might read.
The muse does not come so often anymore,
Though sometimes I need her more than ever.
I long to open my mind to her,
To let the words flow onto the page,
A torrent, unbroken, to touch emotions,
To show the world how I see it
And maybe to finally be understood.

I feel old when she struggles,
Reminded of my past, my present,
And my much changed plans for the future.
I used to dream big, and plan for years ahead,
But now, tomorrow is enough to handle.
Someday will come, but not soon.
Raised hopes are often dashed.
But still, I cannot stop dreaming, stop wishing
For a better day to come.

For these are the eyes that now see beauty,
In a flower, in a stone, in the face of a friend,
And this is the heart that still loves,
Still tries, failing sometimes, to think first always of others.
These are the hands which always rebuild,
And my body holds the strength to help them.
This is the mind that tries hard not to close,
And this is the soul that sees hope.

This is me.

cygnata @ 2005-08-11T15:01:00

2005-08-11T19:02:14Z

She's gone.

cygnata @ 2005-08-11T09:19:00

2005-08-11T13:20:25Z

she worsened last night, and nearly choked to death on her own watery vomit today. we're putting her to sleep at 4:45pm.

sleep well, my tiger.

Update on Tiger

2005-08-11T02:20:11Z

I called the vet... my parents exaggerated things, but only VERY slightly. Spent all day watching her. She refused the percription diet food I offerred, but she drank water.

Her intenstines are involved, and they don't know if it's pancreatic or bowel cancer. surgery has a small chance of working cause she's young. It'd be several hundred dollars, but I can use the $600 I've saved...

Anything for my baby. Next hurdle is finding a ride there tomorrow.

pray for her...

:(

2005-08-09T23:24:18Z

As I write this, Tiger, the cat in this LJ icon, is dying of cancer.

I found her during my last years of high school as a tiny 2 month old kitten, literally starving to death. I insisted we take her in, we got her de-fleaed, and I raised her. In time, she grew to be a beautiful, loving cat, who loved her independence, but also loved to snuggle on a lap. She loved my keyboard, and to paw at the screen whenever I played X2 and Nightcrawler bamfed.

Last summer, she was found to have an overactive thyroid. I spent all my pay to help her, goading my parents to do the same.

Today we found out why her stomach has grown large and hard. She has an inoperable stomach tumor, and it is growing rapidly. The vets don't know how long she has. She looks horrible, and is obviously weak. I feel like I'm losing my best friend. She's only 7.

Everyone, please think goodthoughts for her. She's my baby, the one I knew I could count on for comfort when times were toughest.

I already miss you so much, mi Tigrita.

cygnata @ 2005-06-04T00:11:00

2005-06-04T04:14:21Z

*sigh* Again, I fucked up.

I have a plan. I know what I need to do... but I can't do anything yet. Tomorrow, I hope...

Always, I fuck up, somehow.

Advice I Try To Live By

2005-02-16T12:04:15Z

I know I've posted this before, but... it still fits.

Listen to the MUSTN'Ts, child
Listen to the DON'Ts
Listen to the SHOULDN'Ts, the WOULDN'Ts,
The IMPOSSIBLEs, the WON'Ts.
Listen to the NEVER HAVEs,
Then listen close to me.
Anything can happen, child.
ANYTHING can be.

- Listen to the Mustn'ts, by Shal Silverstien

To help me preserve my sanity:

2005-02-13T00:13:58Z

Coworkers:
* If I am doing a task, please assume that either a manager has told me to do it, or it is part of the normal daily procedures. I am not new to this job, and I do not appreciate being reminded of things you think I should be doing.

* READ LABELS WHEN YOU PUT THINGS AWAY. If you cannot do this, and put things away haphazardly, do not bitch if I notice it and quietly begin putting things away correctly. The area usually in question is part of the duties of every cashier, so I am not overstepping boundries when I fix things. Furthermore, do not bitch if said job requires me to make an inventory list because I cannot tell what actually does need to be put out and what needs to be put away, do not act as if I am wasting time, ESPECIALLY if a manager already knows and approves.

* We DO run out of carts. When we have 2 left out of fourteen and the rest are in the parking lot, do NOT bitch that I am wasting time when I ask the manager if I can go fetch them, and he approves. GO SEE HIM.

* Yes, I am older than most of you by several years. This does not make me senile, and I am not setting myself up as a manager. I am simply doing my job, and resent when extra work is created through someone else's laziness.

Customers:

* If your child is being a screaming brat, throwing things, opening packages, and you decide you don't want the items they have ruined, Tough Shit. You break it, you bought it. I long for the day I catch your child in the act and can have a manager ask you to pay for the item. Less appreciated is when your child gnaws on several packs of gum, and you PUT THEM BACK on the shelves, so I can find torn up, slobbered on, opened packs of gum that would be against health code regulations to sell.

* We do not sell brands made by other pharmacies. I cannot accept returns from these stores. As well, if you do not have the credit card you made the purchase on, I can do nothing. Do not beg me to bend policy and give you cash instead. I haven't the authorization, and it makes your return look REALLY suspicious.

* Addendum to above: Do not ask me to bend policy, period, and try to wheedle your way out when I offer to ask a manager what I am and am not allowed to do. If you're that afraid of a manager stepping in, do you REALLY think I'm going to be any more accomadating?

* I am polite to you. I smile, I exchange pleasentries. If something goes wrong, I apologize profusely. DO NOT proceed to chew me out if you tell me you DON'T have coupons, and then AFTER I'm in the payment phase, when NOTHING may be added or deleted from the purchase, that you have a $15 coupon that expires in a month, and I apologize and say there's nothing I can do. I *CAN'T* do SHIT. The most the manager can do is void out your entire order, but even he can't do that if you SWEAR you have to leave RIGHT NOW.

* "If it doesn't scan, that means it's free, right?" That joke is so old it isn't funny. >.

cygnata @ 2005-02-07T02:28:00

2005-02-07T07:36:15Z

Wishing I had cash for another trip sooner than in a few months. *mutter* Getting restless again. Last trip was a year ago. *sigh*

Praxx still wants me to come see him in Little Rock again, for a week or two. Maybe in the summer I'll be able to get the time off. Mardi Gras, at least this year, is just plain out. Be nice to see him again, though Nibbles better stop jumping up on the couch when I'm asleep and shove her nose where she shouldn't. :P

Though now he has another jack russel, so there'll be two of them to worry about. Yeek. It should be a cool trip, though, and we discussed going to Texas again, and seeing Louisiana. Of course, I also have to actually get ahold of him, too. He's been offline for a few days now.

Here's hoping. A vacation would be *wonderful.* I need a break.

cygnata @ 2005-02-04T01:54:00

2005-02-04T07:01:19Z

Spent the day thinking about John again. I still miss him. *sigh*

Maybe I'll try to stay alone this year... *sigh* I can't even keep anything IC from falling apart, why should anything OOC be different?

*sigh* I'm not who I used to be, but... I'm not who I *should* be. That seems to be the root of things. :/ It's complicated. More later, maybe.